Screening Results

   I had been told by a few people about these prenatal screenings coming back with results that scared parents into thinking that their baby was at high risk for a chromosomal abnormality even though the probability was like 1/1,000... I decided that I would just look at whatever numbers came back, instead of looking at the words “high risk” and just taking them at face value.  The risk of getting a scary result didn’t weigh heavily with me at the time because my eye was on that big prize of finding out the gender of the baby early!  I had my blood drawn on Thursday, Dec. 20th.
    On Wednesday, Dec. 26th, I received a voicemail from my OB’s office, asking me to call back and make an appointment because the doctor would like to go over some of my test results.  We all know that going in to talk face to face with a doctor about test results generally means bad news.  At this point though, I wasn’t even thinking about the most recent blood test that I had taken.  On the 20th, the genetic counselor and the person who drew the blood were preparing me to wait a little longer than the 7-10 days because they weren’t sure how the Christmas holiday would factor into normal results time.  The results that I received from my first blood test on the 13th had all come through the patient online portal with “within normal limits” results.  I was confused, and concerned, but Kevin and I decided to assume that it was routine until we heard otherwise from the doctor.  Originally when I called back to make an appointment, they scheduled me way out on January 9th, so that helped me think that it wasn’t a big deal, maybe I needed more iron in my diet or something perhaps?  But then I got another voicemail on 12/27 following up to have me make an appointment to see the doctor about test results.  I called back to tell them that I had made an appointment but this lady keeps calling me, so they checked with that lady directly, and then made an appointment for me the following day.  That was a little unnerving, but I was glad that I wouldn’t have to sit and battle the anxiety for more than a day before getting to find out what the doctor wanted to tell us.
    Kevin and I were seated in exam room #4 when the doctor came in and proceeded to knock the wind out of us with the information that was not even on my radar to worry about at the time.  I was thinking this whole time that she found a problem with MY blood. Nope, I was fine.  Physically anyway.  We got a brief moment of excitement to find out we are having a baby girl!! Then we were handed two papers, because apparently both of my blood draws were tested for this, even though she said that’s unusual, they usually only order the test once, but mine had been ordered at both blood draws, and they both came back noting an extra amount of chromosome.  I immediately think that she’s telling me my baby will have Down’s Syndrome.  I picture the faces of all the kids that I have met with DS over the years.  Will they be like him?  Or more like her? Wow, this is big, head is swimming, but then 18 sinks in.  The number of the chromosome the doctor is referencing is number 18.  That’s not Down’s Syndrome.  What’s that?  The doctor explains that it’s called Edwards Syndrome, more rare than Downs Syndrome.  I remember that the genetic counselor spent a lot of time talking about DS and chromosome #21, but kinda glossed over the other “much more rare” #18 and 13.  Extra 18 means that the baby will often miscarry into the 2nd and 3rd trimester, when it’s considered a stillbirth.  If the baby is born, they will likely have such heart and lung issues that they will often die within weeks, days, hours of birth.  Kevin has moved over to sit with me by this point, and we look at the paper that says 9/10 probability.  Well I wasn’t prepared for that!  I also was surprised at the peace that I felt.  Often in my life, when I have big decisions to make, I wish I were one of those people who seem like they easily know where God is leading them.  I listened sooo hard when I was trying to decide between APU or Biola for college, and the closest I feel like I got to some direction was a woman at church telling me “well, whatever you choose, that will be God’s will!” This particular moment in exam room #4 was different though.  Definitely was a welcome but unexpected  “God moment”.  I start the inner dialogue of  “Hey God!  Your perfect timing was Ethan then this pregnancy right?  So what’s up? Why this??  Were we not listening, should we have fostered again? Why?”  And I just got back a certainty that can be explained by that Bible verse in Philippians 4:7 that talks about the “peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts...” My heart, and God, reminded me with such certainty that hey, “I put that baby girl in there on purpose, and I know what is going to happen to her.”  So if God’s not worried about it, I shouldn’t be worried about it.
   The thing is though, God has his infinite wisdom, and I am a speck of a human.  A human that is hurt by the thought of not getting to meet this girl, and devastated to think of her only days on earth as being painful and a struggle for her.  I can’t see the big picture, and the picture that has been painted for me of my likely future is so harsh.  That’s why I’m so grateful beyond belief to be offered a relationship with Jesus, the one who can see to the other side.  The one who has never let me down before, not once.  I have seen him work in family and  friends’ lives and in my own life.  Right before I met Kevin I had a similar prayer of “God whaaaaaat are you doing?  I thought we were on the same page but now I feel like you just switched books on me”.... and then I met Kevin, who is hands down the best husband for me that there could ever be.  God has the ability to move people to meet each other, to make stars for crying out loud.  I am certain that he could tidy up a chromosome no problem.  The thing is, He doesn’t always tidy up and fix things so that we can avoid pain and heartache.  Sometimes his plan is for us to experience it, for no other reason that I’m aware of other than to become the different person that I would inevitably be afterward.
    They have reminded us that this is a screening test only, and that for an absolute diagnosis, we’re being advised to get a Chorionic Villus Sampling to find out for sure it’s trisomy 18.... but that sampling as well as the amniocentesis carry risk of miscarriage, so we’re going to opt out of those, and wait for ultrasound findings to determine how she grows.
    Our prayer right now is for a healthy baby girl.  God already knows that’s my heart and my desire. My ultimate desire though is to walk willingly in His will.  I’m confident that God will let me borrow strength that I know I won’t have all the time, and my prayer is that through this whole ordeal, no matter the outcome, that people will be able to see God work in baby and in Kevin and me.
   

We’re Pregnant!

    While our foster baby Ethan was still living in our home, we found out through a home pregnancy test, or rather, 6 home pregnancy tests, that we were going to have a biological baby Buchanan!  We found out at the beginning of November, and by Thanksgiving, had to say goodbye to Ethan so he could go live with his biological extended family that wanted to keep him.  It was an emotional month for sure.  Little did we know that we were just easing in to the feeling of juggling loss and hope at the same time.
    The fun part came on Thanksgiving.  I had shopped around for an OB that could get me in for an ultrasound early enough to have the results by the holiday.  We were able to tell Kevin’s immediate family in Bakersfield on Thanksgiving, and my immediate family (minus brother and his family who live in Minnesota so they got told early via Skype and were sworn to secrecy) the day after Thanksgiving.