I’ve been working in our backyard to try and tame our giant bougainvillea, as well as other plants, so that they can have plenty of room to grow back while we’re gone. This is where my sense of control has been focused... since there’s not much else I have control over in life right now, I’m claiming control of my plants! The bougainvillea is resisting, but Kevin is also on my side, and he can climb the ladder, so it will all work out :)
Kevin says he wishes he planned more for my first Mother’s Day, but he worked all afternoon to put in a drip irrigation system in our front yard, so I can be confident that the front plants will be watered regularly... thereby contributing to my sense of control over the garden. Now what could be more romantic than that??😍
I realized on Mother’s Day that I have no clothes to bring with us for Annelise. No photo props or anything. As of her last couple ultrasounds, she was estimated to be about 2 1/2lbs. So I ordered a few premie and NICU friendly outfits for photo opportunities. They have been delivered, and they are precious!
I have specifically not wanted to have a baby shower for Annelise, because although she is celebrated and worth celebrating, I’m strategically avoiding the possibility of receiving cute baby girl clothes that are just for her, and then having to put them away if we find that her story does not include coming home with us. It was hard enough packing our foster baby boy’s clothes up for him to take with him, thriving to his new home with family members..with his Christmas outfit with the tiny bow tie from a dear friend, that we never even got to see him wear... I just didn’t want to set myself up with the possibility of having to decide what to do with all of her clothes, especially earlier in the pregnancy, when we weren’t in this exciting and terrifying spot of being so close to delivery! So with the amount of challenges on this road that we’re choosing to face head on... this is one that I’m totally okay with avoiding on purpose.
The self preservation attempts were at an all time high a few weeks ago, as well as my anxiety and blood pressure, so Kevin and I made an appointment again with our counselor. I went to her hoping to find some tool or psychological tip that I was missing, so I could use it and get my mind and body in a better place. Our counselor is one of the most intuitive people I have ever met, and she packs a lot of wisdom. What we both left with was permission (I didn't know I needed it, but sure felt better after I got it) to have a hard time with what's going on. I didn't get my missing tool to make it easier and faster to process the anxious feelings, but just recognizing and accepting the mess and being okay with not being okay with all the big things going on and impending... made a big difference. I can be sad because my baby is sick. It doesn't mean I'm not trusting God correctly, it means I'm feeling the feelings that God gave me, that are appropriate for this situation. I'd like to not access the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared of the pain that could be in the future, but I know that through wrestling and struggling through the balance of feeling the human feelings that come from my limited mind, and trusting God because of what I know about Him, being the creator of my entire limited mind, and the one I can trust with my future and my now, this struggle will eventually lead to the Lord's peace calming my heart, and His glory for what He's doing in Annelise's and our lives.
I spend a lot of time being what I call realistic... but what that really often means is I'm spending time collecting worst case scenarios. It's what I tend to do naturally... it helped in 8th grade when I decided NOT to cut school when I really hated going... because in my head I just knew something terrible would happen if I did, and my parents would have no way of knowing where I was... so on the bus I went, to avoid that terrible scenario by going through with the less terrible school day. But now, especially since we've made it to 34 weeks! Something I didn't let myself dream about for too long at 20 weeks... I'm trying to do things a little differently to see how it turns out. What if my "what-ifs" include "What if she comes out and her spinal lesion is actually covered?" "What if I'm able to have a normal vaginal birth and she doesn't go into distress?" "What if her insides are hooked up the way they should be?" Because for the sake of being realistic... those things could totally happen. They would defy the statistics, but they have happened for babies with Trisomy 18 before, and they will happen again I am sure. I'm longing for the day when we'll know how she responds to life outside the womb, at the same time though, I'm so content to just leave her in there!
Kevin and I are both getting practice with replacing the worst "what-ifs" with trust and patience to wait for God's word on what He has planned for our lives next. Just this week, Kevin heard from his doctor that the 2nd round of blood work that he had done showed that his Lipase levels in his pancreas are increasing, and above the normal range, so he has been advised to see a GI specialist. We were able to get an appointment with a GI specialist for the first week that we're out in Omaha, thankfully! Also this week, he had a follow up to a root canal that he had done last year, and there's something wrong with the tooth, so it will have to be replaced. It's not causing him pain, so his dentist said that it can be put off, but will eventually have to be fixed. So thankful for the chapter of our book by Max Lucado "Anxious for Nothing" that we had just read the night before. It was about a contagious calm, and started off talking about how we can usually handle one thing going wrong in our lives, but how much harder it is to trust the Lord when multiple battles happen at the same time.
Here are some tips on how to achieve the calm during multiple storms from the book:
Celebrate God’s goodness (Philippians 4:4) Ask God for help (Philippians 4:6) Leave our concerns with God (Philippians 4:6) Meditate on good things (Philippians 4:8)
“Peace is within reach, not for lack of problems, but because of the presence of a sovereign Lord. Rather than rehearse the chaos of the world, rejoice in the Lord’s sovereignty, as Paul did.”
That's the goal we are on the road toward. Not walking perfectly, but we have the aim.
In happy news, we took the suggestion of an amazing friend and went to get a 3d ultrasound done! I don't know why I didn't think of doing that. Maybe because of all the ultrasounds I have been getting regularly. I'm so glad we went to the mall on Thursday to have this ultrasound experience. It was so incredible to just watch her on the screen for the sake of discovering what she looks like in there... not just to diagnose a defect or check for growth. Annelise cooperated really well, and we got to see a lot of her sweet face. There was even a moment when we were talking with the woman who was doing the ultrasound about how her little brother was diagnosed with Spina Bifida, but he is actually able to walk. I mentioned that we'll have to wait to see what kind of movement Annelise has, and that her spina bifida has caused her to have club feet, and at that moment, Annelise brings her whole foot up near her head into the sonogram field! Such perfect timing, as if she was part of the conversation! 😆
This is a long video, the appointment was 20 minutes. If I had the editing skills to just pull out the cutest parts, then I would. But that's not the case! Watching her move around, open her eyes (I was not expecting that! Did you know they open their eyes in there??) and move her little fingers was an amazing experience, and I'm so glad we got that time with her, and that we can relive it with the video they gave us. There is so much life in this little girl, and we love our little fighter so much!
