I've got an OB appointment scheduled later today at 4:20. Kevin went in to work super early today so he could take off early and come with me. I've been spending most of the day recognizing how the anxious thoughts that come across my brain are shouting an alarm to the rest of my body that "this visit is a big deal! time to freak out!" I've only recently been able to put words to what's happening during super big emotional situations. Previously, I just accepted the message from my brain, and proceeded to freak out! After some years of learning about anxiety in adults and kids, I feel so grateful to have this self awareness. I've discovered that a good way to combat the freak out feelings in this season for me is to listen to worship music, and focus on the words and truths that comfort me. I'll share my playlist for the day, and later give an update on anything we find out from the visit.
This song is new to me, and I love it because it reminds me that I don't need to quickly move through this season of unknown to get to the nice and tidy end of the story where I have everything under control again and don't need anything from anyone. I do need practice sitting in the messy feelings, and being okay with not being okay, because the struggle brings unexpected joy, deepened relationships, and things I don't even know that I'll be thankful to have experienced later.
This song speaks my gardening language. Since moving in to our own house with a backyard, I've found out that I do actually have the ability to keep plants alive! I often come in from gardening with some deep philosophical thoughts about gardening metaphors and analogies for life. One thought that fits with this song is just how long these plants can take to mature. Not all of them, but I've had to finally accept that I need to just leave the bearded iris in the ground and wait. I would plant and re-pot them, thinking that they needed different soil, more sun, a different spot... they are so small... I am told by experienced plant people that I just haven't left them for long enough yet, so now I just wait for them to grow and establish. Some of my favorite lyrics here are "oh how nature acquaints us with the nature of patience", and "For all I know of seasons is that You take Your time, You could have saved us in a second, instead you sent a child". Along the same lines as the song above, this isn't supposed to be a quick fix, slow down me, and get established.
When I need a perspective shift this has been so useful when I feel myself getting overwhelmed with "what-if's" . I'd rather be overwhelmed with how great knowing the Lord has already been, and that He continues to be good, great, amazing regardless of the circumstance that feels too big for me right now.
UPDATE on OB appointment:
Today was not a day for an ultrasound, but we did get to hear Annelise's heart beating loud and strong on the monitor! The day has been made! We talked with the OB about when to transfer to a high risk OB, and she recommended now as a good time, since we already know of one birth defect, the omphalocele, where her intestines aren't in her body where they should be by now. When we said goodbye, I asked if I could give the OB a hug, it just felt like a good thing to do, even though I have only met her 4 times in my life, we had an unforgettable conversation finding out about extra chromosomes in my placenta and possibly baby girl too... she's a stranger I'll never forget. She told us that we're in her thoughts, and although she can't tell us that they're praying for us, they're praying for us. I love that. So now we just wait until the January 31st appointment. Kevin and I celebrated heartbeat day by eating ramen for the first time. We opted for no egg in the ramen, since Kevin doesn't like runny eggs and the internet wasn't confident enough in the ramen eggs being on the list of food for pregnant people to eat for me to go for it. Two thumbs up though for the eggless ramen!
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